50% IS NOT ENOUGH

If you have read these blogs, you know that I have clinical depression and am taking medication to provide mental balance.

(By the way, I share my situation publicly, hoping that my story will provide hope for others.  One third of the population will have depression at some time in their life.)

A month ago, my doctor suggested we experiment and reduce the meds by 25% for two weeks, and if that went well, by another 25% - leaving me with 50%.  The first two weeks went reasonably well but the last two weeks have not been pleasant - for me or others.

I've been easily irritated. At the time I feel I'm justified - "If people wouldn't be so stupid and mean!"  Maybe it's true, but the irritation has been triggering quite quickly.

Despite the sunny days of summer, and a week's vacation, I've felt low and gloomy. And while I know I am blessed with a great job, and a ministry with tremendous evidence of impact, and a great house, and wife and kids, and hobbies - despite all of that, for the last two weeks I (sometimes) could not find joy in any of it.  Logic and reason are one thing, but getting the brain to believe it is something else. And that's where the meds help balance the gloom.

Somewhat funny was the day I bailed on my dentist appointment. That morning I had a major panic attack and 24 hours I exaggerated the outcome of the tooth extraction.  The panic was so bad I actually got up from the chair, quite emotionally - and went home. Needless to say, all the anxiety immediately disappeared.

Since Friday, my wife had been begging me, "Please go back on full meds!"  So, I have.

It's now Day 2 of full meds - everything is good. I haven't killed anyone.