Friday, June 6, 2014


This was published last December but here it is again, for those of you who missed it.

It starts with the craving. But, not for water. That’s too plain. Not orange pop. Not root beer or soda. Even the bubbles from 7Up, won’t do it.

It’s Coke.

In my mind's eye I see red.  That glorious red logo! 

From the second my hand squeezes the ice cold can, I know what’s coming. In just a few seconds, those bubbles are going to erupt inside my body!

I crack open the can. First, it’s the click of the metal breaking the seal. Then, the tear of the tab opening and quietly the fizz begins to foam.

I can’t wait. The can goes from the table to my lips in a micro-second. I take the first gulp, as big as I can, sucking back a massive amount of liquid. I hold it in my mouth for about ten seconds. The cold bubbles extinguish through my mouth like a kayaker skimming over dangerous rapids. The bubbles tickle the roof of my mouth. I let them settle around my teeth, over my tongue, around my tongue. There is no space this delicious delight hasn’t touched! The fizz continues to explode up into the roof of my mouth!

Doctors say it takes 45 minutes before the hormone stimulates my brain, but the doctors are wrong. Watch me. It takes no more than five seconds for stimulation.

Ahhhh....the burn moves into my eyes. My tear ducts squirt. There’s nothing else on my mind except savouring every bubble.

Now, the swallow. Mmmm, baby! The cold fizz screams from the back of my mouth, down my throat and the gratification burns.

Soon, the bubbles and fizz are settling down in my mouth. My eyes are bloodshot like a hippie at Woodstock and the first glorious belch is going to signify absolute satisfaction.

Ahhhh.....COKE IS IT!  Coke adds life to everything nice. Things go better with Coca Cola! Even Santa Claus loves his Coke!

Recently, in a restaurant a table-server offered me a (gasp!) Pepsi! I’m almost positive he’s lost his salvation. "Sir, would you like ice in your Coke?" Huh - and water it down? Are you mental?! I might as well order a Pepsi for crying out loud!

The carefully perfected ingredients of Coke kill every migraine that throbbed behind my temples. Every headache is gone from this carbonated chemo superhero!

I know, I know. You’ve heard that cops wash the blood off the road with Coke. Coke removes stains from clothes. And you can clean the rust of chrome and the rust off a nail. What other food group has so many uses?!

Does Coke contribute to my insomnia? Probably, but anything that tastes this good is worth staying up for! What if my liver is converting all that sugar into fat? Well, the mirror doesn’t lie - so far so good! Is it dissolving my internal organs? Probably, but what isn’t? Listen, if cigarettes haven’t killed Keith Richards yet, and he’s 70, I know I have at least another 15 years of soft drink pleasure.

Mmmm - Coke is SO good. I swear, it must contain each of the four major food groups! I mean, really! Anything that tastes this good has GOT to be good for you!

What? There’s cocaine in it? (I’m not even going to go there!)

I estimate, I’ve been drinking an average of three Cokes a day since I was a mid-teen, and therefore I am closing in on 45,000 cans. Now it really gets exciting! Soon I’ll chug down my 50,000th captivating can of Coke! Whoa - this calls for a celebration! A festival! I think I see red flags!

Praise God for Dr. Pemberton who invented Coke in Atlanta! I think Atlanta is my favourite city!

Oh, "I’d like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company - it’s the real thing!"

And when I die, I would like each pallbearer to crack open a can of coke and spray it over my grave until the earth bleeds in the dark fizz!

Coke - I love you.

1 comment:

  1. funny, it almost sounds like this should have a warning for adult content the way you describe it! made me laugh, thanks!


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